The Hard Truth of the Golden Rule

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I know most people try hard

to do good and find out too late

they should have tried softer.

– Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightning

One of the unexpected gifts of this challenging summer is the softness I am receiving from countless companions who fill the pages of the 42 blessed chapters of my life.

I am humbled, inspired, and comforted by the goodness so many of you give freely in the form of prayers, messages and cards of hope, and small tokens and gifts to keep my focus on what is good and holy.

In talking with other cancer patients and survivors, they, too, speak of this incredible blessing- how not only they see the world with clearer eyes, but how they can better see through the eyes of others- accepting their place not only as God’s beloved but loved by their earthly friends and family.

In a world so divided and hardened, you have revealed a softness that maybe, is the solution. I find myself thinking of this often as I try to fall asleep each nigh- a much more difficult task than it was prior to my colonoscopy.

I wonder if the remedy for our problems can be found in a softness that counters the hardness and rigidness of our time. The path to this softness must begin with dealing with the problem of the Golden Rule- a universal teaching that requires love of self (by self and by God) to be effective, a demand so few of us can meet and appreciate.

The two common versions of the rule are one, to treat others as we wish to be treated, or two, as it is said in the Gospel of John, to love others as God has loved us. The problem with this teaching is what happens when we do not treat ourselves well, or for the second version, when do not fully believe that God indeed loves us- unconditionally.

The Golden Rule, with versions in most world religions and spiritualities, has not been properly followed because we are ignoring its inherent problem-ourselves- so let’s finally deal with it.

Golden Rule #1:

Let us first address the first version of the Rule, how we love others as we love ourselves.

Simply put, we treat others as we treat ourselves, for better or for worse. And often, it is for worse.

How we see ourselves is impacted by many factors, often the result of the very early positive and negative voices and actions of others. In addition, our society presents codes or expectations, influenced by institutions like religion and cultural norms, that either lift us up or tear us down internally. We try to navigate all this in creating our identity and relationships with others and ourselves.

So often, when we look within and encounter our inevitable wounds, we make this all harder by developing unbalanced and unhealthy relationships in an attempt to heal. Consider our relationship with alcohol, substance use, gambling, gossip, body image, work, shopping, food, among many other patterned behaviors. If we are honest with ourselves, we could check some or many of these boxes at different chapters of our lives.

Instead of healing our wounds, we find band aids that inevitably fall off. These excessive behaviors keep us from truly loving ourselves, compounding the problems that already exist. Simply put, when we are out of balance, and not loving ourselves, we cannot love as the Golden Rule intended.

Golden Rule #2:

The second version of the Golden Rule is to love others as God loves us. Can we even try to imagine the love of our Creator- not the great big judge in the sky but a source of endless love that calls us into a deeper relationship. It is only when I consider my love for my children that I can begin to understand the depths of God’s love for me, his son.

Yet even in my cancer battle, I am not immune to the questions and the negotiations when the darkness sets in. I desperately want a miracle and I can fall into that all too familiar “let’s make a deal” prayer. What I would do for a cure, for a chance to see my children grow and to grow old with my wife. I have already found myself promising more prayers, more sacrifice, and more faith- whatever that means.

I must remind myself that this is not a negotiation, and no matter what happens, God’s love does not vary for me or for the next person. While I would love to be cured, to be a beacon of hope for others, and for my story to be a miraculous one, I also realize that the journey, no matter the ending, can accomplish these goals. God is present in all of this.

It is easier, perhaps, to question God’s love at times, than to surrender to it. We wonder why life is not just or fair, and where God is in the storms of our and others lives. This impacts our own connection with God, and inevitably our relationship with others as we begin to operate out of our emptiness and despair, not out of the hidden, yet endless fountain of God’s love and grace that we are always receiving.

Finding our Golden Within

The challenge of the Golden Rule is in the internal portion. Our love of self, or perceived love from God, is essential for us to love our neighbor. We cannot give what we do not have.

So often, because we are so hard on ourselves (be it our own critical internal voice or our unworthiness of God’s love), we are so hard on others. We do not have to be Freud or Jung to understand how we project our internal feelings of self on our neighbors and strangers, alike.

This is animated in being judgmental, at times arrogant with the need to be right, especially when we feel threatened by what is unfamiliar or worse, challenges our own self-righteousness and how we see the world. We find out safety in the identity of politics and religion, and other systems that keep us in the inner circle, judging those who do not, will not, cannot, fit in.

God calls us to always expand the circle, but we can only do this when we truly love one another, and love ourselves.

To be Gentler and Softer

Irish poet, John O’Donohue, writes “Be excessively gentle with yourself,”  in his poem, “For the One who is Exhausted, a Blessing.” This is not just a gift for ourselves, but a gift for others.

Gentleness, or softness as poet Andrea Gibson writes (noted at the start of this reflection), isn’t about being good (or right), but being softer.

Can we be softer with ourselves? If we can, being softer with others will be more possible.

I started this reflection, by recognizing the softness that so many of you have given to me. If you are still reading this, you probably are among this company. 

Isn’t it something how challenging moments like this bring out the best in us? There is a gift of suffering that unites us, grounds us, and allows us to be who God always intended us to be. Perhaps this is a reflection for another day.

In closing, let me acknowledge that I do not have this all figured out. I join you in the internal struggle. I have spent way too many hours validating the internal negative comments instead of appreciating the positive ones. I have always been my hardest critic. I, too, have questioned the depths of God’s love, never fully appreciating my place as God’s beloved.

This is not going to change overnight- transformation requires time. It requires listening, constant learning, humility, and yes, faith in something and someone bigger than ourselves, and faith in one another.

Might we, in how many ever days, months, years we have left, be softer with one another, but first with ourselves.

Special Note: I was introduced recently to the poet Andrea Gibson (quoted at the start and near the end of this reflection) by a former student and friend, Gina D. I am grateful to be introduced to Gibson, who recently passed away from her own cancer battle earlier this year. Gibson was, and remains, a beacon of hope for many in the LGBTQIA+ community, for cancer patients, and many others with various identities. You can learn more about Andrea Gibson here.