Why Me?
Following an initial cancer diagnosis, it is human to ask, “why me?”
Although I haven’t stayed in this place of unfairness and sadness, there were times over the past month when I made a short visit and questioned past decisions, looked up and within, and wondered “why,” and on a few occasions, “why me.”
What has kept me up at night; however, and continues to enter my mind and heart, is a different “why me” than you might expect.
It is the “why me” that gets to go to the best of doctors in the world.
It is the “why me” that is overwhelmed with love and support, with prayers coming from companions in over 20 countries (at last count) and dozens of spiritual sites or as the Celts call them, “thin places.”
It is the “why me” that has the security of employment and colleagues that are prioritizing my healing, a family that is hitting pause on life to meet my every need, and an extended family and communities that care not only for me, but for my loved ones.
As I rest in an ocean of immense gratitude and blessings, I cannot ignore those who cannot say what I just wrote.
My heart aches for those in our own community, country, and world who lack the access and equity to the quality of healthcare I am receiving. Why am I the one sitting in these doctor offices while others can’t even get someone to pick up the phone, or lack the insurance or connections to allow them to walk through these office doors.
I think of people in all parts of the world who are suffering, who also need prayers and action for their healing. I wonder how many feel alone and confused. Although I empathize, I cannot relate to their desperation and sense of pain and loneliness.
I ponder the lack of fairness and justice that prevents billions of people from living with the privileges that I experience, the human rights I take for granted such as clean water, secure housing, access to technology, medical interventions, and internal and external peace.
My “why” is not one of self-pity, although it would be acceptable given the circumstances. It is a why that carries gratitude yet motivates me to ask why and to continue to surround myself with comrades seeking solutions and working toward a more just and fair world.
I thank you for your prayers, and please, keep them coming. Please also make room in your heart and time in your day to remember those who have no one to pray for them, those who are in distant and not-so-distant lands who need healing and action, not judgment and apathy.
If the answer to my “why” is to make the world a better place for all, then this trial is absolutely worth whatever the cost may be. As literally thousands of people have united in prayer for my healing, it gives me hope that this very network can expand to raise the consciousness of humanity. There is hope that we can move away from division and toward unity- that we can finally join our lights together to eliminate the darkness and to finally be the people of hope that we were created to be.
If my trial with cancer can heighten our collective consciousness and move us closer to harmony and unity, then the question is no longer “why me,” but rather, “why not.”
