Bent but not Broken

It has been a roller coaster of a week.

My anticipated next step in the healing process was halted, the news of this country and world is weighing a bit heavier than usual, and I sure wish my Bills were in this Sunday’s Super Bowl.

In all seriousness, first, an update on my health. Surgery, which was scheduled for next Monday, was cancelled last week due to the most recent scans that showed new enlarged lymph nodes. The decision was made to continue chemotherapy for another three months before another scan.

I talk about this in this week’s podcast episode of The Healing Journey Podcast, including my frustration with the change in plans and the mental work it is requiring as I return to the infusion center today.

As I wrestle with this all, those fearful thoughts crept back in. The wonder of what will happen if this chemotherapy doesn’t work, if future scans will bring greater disappointment, and if I am inching closer to the end than to a new beginning.

I don’t stay there, but it takes a great deal of work and prayer to swim through these turbulent waves of thought and to return to a peaceful shore.

I am still hopeful, knowing I have a lot of factors in my favor. This was just an unexpected setback that we pray is not a setback at all. Rather, I hope it is the necessary step to kill these cancer cells and to eventually have a potential successful surgery down the road.

I can recognize the significance of this change in plans, and I am gentle with myself. The mystery of disease and healing requires a surrender that I am still learning to offer to God.

Because of these deeper feelings, I am even more sensitive to the challenges of our world and our country. In reflecting just on the past week, I have read too many articles and watched heartbreaking stories about the killings in Minnesota, more separated immigrant families in the US, continued attacks in Gaza and Ukraine, horrific testimonies of sexual and physical abuse in Haiti, the latest release of the disgusting Epstein files, the US-Russia standoff over nuclear weapons that is about to lead to the creation of even more deadly weapons, and even examples of racism over a Pizzeria offering Halal food in my childhood home town. I could go on.

I try to look at the brighter side of life, finding the helpers as Mr. Rogers once advised. I am inspired by so many who peacefully gather to learn and grow, especially in places of conflict. I stand in awe of those who enter turbulent spaces to provide basic needs, and I marvel at those who can speak truth even when it is not welcomed.

As I experience my own desire for physical healing, our world and our collective spirit requires a healing as well. Instead of pointing fingers when confronted with news that conflicts with our political party or ideology, what if we could just listen and allow empathy to reign.

This is the first step toward unity, to truly listen and to seek to understand. Those in power do not want us to get to this place because it is here where we take back our power. They wish to divide us, throwing pebbles in a pond as they watch the ripple effect of their strategic comments and messaging.

We must learn to listen, to better understand, and to be instruments of peace. It is time for us to finally get it right, to collectively stand as wounded as we are, to give and receive love. It is the only way.

One of the many gifts of cancer is my entering a new consciousness, a new sense of being. I can better identify with those suffering, although never fully appreciating the horrors some people and communities face each day. I feel a deeper connection with others, all while sorting out my own anxieties and worries.

I am reminded of this quote from St. Therese or Lisieux: “I always want to see you behaving like a brave soldier who does not complain about his own suffering but takes his comrades’ wounds seriously and treats his own as nothing but scratches.”

The wisdom in this quote is not meant to downplay one’s own suffering, but to connect with others and their woundedness. How can we help mend the wounds, in our own homes, communities, and yes, our country and world. We all have a small piece to contribute to this great mosaic that is life.

I don’t have these answers yet, and I am not sure if I ever will. I am on a healing journey, determined to make the most of my time left on this planet- be it 4 or 40 years. Whatever good I can share to unite us will be a life worth living.