From Worry to Joy

In my last reflection, I spoke about “Scanxiety,” the overwhelming mental and emotional angst that precedes a scan. It turns out that this anxiety remains after a scan’s results.

I am blessed and grateful to share that my most recent scan revealed “good news.” The new chemotherapy regimen is successfully removing the cancer, especially the “new” cancer that was revealed in January’s scan.

My first thought was joyful relief. I read the report several times before I could even believe it. My second thought was “What about the next scan?” 

Even in sharing this positive update with friends and family, I was weary of giving false hope, anticipating the disappointment that the next scan could bring. With Stage 4 cancer, the chance of reoccurrence is quite high.

I immediately brought this to prayer and reflection. I wrestled with the joy and fear that filled my mind and heart. I was mostly relieved but hiding in the shadow of every smile was the unknown and the difficult odds that I am facing.

It took a few days to process it all, but it wasn’t until I saw the joy on my Oncologist’s face that I committed to celebrating this news.

After January’s scan, her face was quite the opposite when we met. Filled with concern and sadness, she prescribed more chemo and cancelled the scheduled surgery for the following week. This time, it was just the opposite.

My doctor, Dr. Andrea Cercek, is considered one of the world’s best oncologists for colon cancer and gastrointestinal medicine. How blessed I am to be under her, and her team’s, care. As Suzie and I left Dr. Cercek’s office, we shared how often her day must be filled with difficult scans to read and share. My good news was also her good news.

It dawned upon me that this scan could have easily been different, and perhaps, it will be in the future. Or the other hand, this may be the the first of many clean scans and happy doctor visits.

Why spend this time fearful and afraid?

It is appropriate that as I experience this, we find ourselves in the Easter season, until it concludes with Pentecost next month. Like the disciples of Jesus, they too were afraid following the good news of Jesus’ resurrection. Even after He appeared to them in all His glory, they were still afraid. It is why they were hiding in the upper room when the Holy Spirit blessed them with the spiritual gifts of Pentecost so they could joyfully share the “good news,” or Gospel.

Shouldn’t I do the same? Like the disciples, I am uncertain of what the future may bring, but my prayers (and the prayers of countless others) was answered. If this healing only lasts a short time or if it occurs for, God-willing, many more decades, the miraculous is occurring within me. From the mountain top (or for today’s purposes, via the gift of social media and this website), I should shout the goodness and Glory of God. 

How many prayers have been said for my healing, in various languages and faith traditions? From St. Thomas More Church at St. John’s University to St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to Mosques and Temples in local and distant lands, prayers have “flooded heaven,” as the Catholic Sisters like to say.

So many saints I called upon for their intercession, from new spiritual friends like St. Peregrine and St. Charbel, to my favorites St. Francis, St. Vincent, St. Louise, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, Blessed Frederic Ozanam, Padre Pio, St. Joseph, and Mary. 

Then there are of course my loved ones who already returned home to God, whom I prayed to for their intercession, sharing that I can’t wait to see them again, just not yet. 

Angels in heaven and here on earth have been busy, caring for my healing and for my family. How could I not trust that all this will continue, no matter what future scans reveal.

As I have said and written about before, from the very beginning of this healing journey, I have asked, “What good can come from this?” At times, when the news was not so positive, I continued to seek the good. Now, when the news is so wonderful, it is even easier to find the positive that comes from this past year.

To praise God, believing in the power of prayer, and with gratitude for access to healing medicine delivered by the best doctors in the world, wasting time and energy worrying, although understandable, is not the way I wish to live.

It requires great faith to be prayerful these days, especially as we struggle with understanding why some prayers are answered and others are not, why so much hurt and violence seem to overshadow the goodness and kindness of so many. In 100 years, we will all be gone from this shared home and, I trust, together again with our God. How do we continue to trust and rest in all this mystery?

No matter how much we do not understand, and uncertain in knowing how long we have left, let’s sing God’s praises, reminding ourselves of God’s unconditional love. Let God answer prayers through us and let us live with gratitude for each day, seeking God in all creation and people. Let us embrace the mystery, trusting in a God who continues to show up for us.

This is a life worth living, not valued in the number of days, but in the volume of love. Let us be aware of the miraculous always occurring around and within us. From the choir of birds each morning singing their song to the 100,00 heart beats we experience every day, God is reminding us that we remain under God’s care until we return home and are forever resting in His glory.