Scanxiety
Here is a new word that I learned along this cancer journey: “Scanxiety.” It is the anxiety that one with cancer (and loved ones) has as they await the next scan and its results. My scanxiety is on high alert as I prepare for a CT scan this morning.
Ignorance was bliss last time when I had my last scan, following four months of chemotherapy. The results of the scan showed new cancer cells in the lymph nodes and growth in what doctors assume is a small tumor in my groin area.
My oncologist subsequently scheduled a call, telling us that the medical board reviewed my case and recommended another three months of chemo with a new regimen. I completed these three months last week.
The hope is that today’s scan shows that the chemo is working, which likely means another three months of chemo before surgery can be explored. The surgery being discussed is a laparotomy where the surgeon would remove any visible cancer. It was originally scheduled for the Monday following the Super Bowl, but those plans changed with the February scan.
Anticipating the results of the scan, I couldn’t help but wonder and worry over the past few days.. Will I be one of the lucky ones who survives a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis, living a long and healthy life? Or will I be one of the unfortunate ones who caught it too late?
The odds (which are not great) don’t bother me as I have faced tough odds before. Tell teenage Jimmy that he would end up with his beloved, Suzie, and their two beautiful girls. How about a kid from Ozone Park, Queens, having literally thousands of people praying for him all over the globe, representing various religions, cultures, and languages. Even having three books published in the last 6 years once felt impossible.
What I struggle with is the uncertainty, the unknown of the future. I used to worry about other important things, like job security and scheduling the jigsaw puzzle of a life filled with work and entertainment, family and friends.
The other night, I had a dream where I received tenure from a University. This was, for a short time in my past, a goal I chased before I realized that a life of repeated lectures was not my path. Even in the dream, I felt a false sense of security. I thought, “Now I have a job for life.” What a relief! When I woke up, my first thought was, “What does that matter when your life might be cut short.” This, my friends, is all part of that Scanxiety.
One of the many blessings of a cancer diagnosis is how your perspective changes. It also presents a constant invitation to a deeper relationship with God, all through the highs and lows of this healing rollercoaster.
As I prepare for the scan in a few hours, I sense the invitation from Jesus to continue to trust in Him. I know that good will continue to come from all of this, and that includes the deepening of my friendship and love with Him.
One final note…As I have prepared for this scan, the song that I continue to turn to is a familiar 120-year-old Gospel hymn, “His eye is on the Sparrow.” I am reminded that as God cares for the sparrow (who plays her own tunes outside my bedroom window each day), God cares for me, and for you. Yes, I sing because I am happy and I am free. I sing because I trust in a God that is love, and love always wins.
