No Goodbye Kiss

When I wrote Batter Up: Answering the Call of Faith & Fatherhood, I knew that there would be future chapters to write.

With two young girls at the time, I anticipated the likely stories that will need to be told, and yes, some would be less joyous than others.

This morning, my expectation came to fruition as another page turned and a new chapter, regrettably, started.

So here is what happened: My oldest, Shea, was embarrassed to kiss me goodbye during school drop-off.

It took everything in my power to hold in the tears and not further embarrass her even more.

Her smiling eyes revealed the awkwardness and the truth of her love. It isn’t personal, I thought, acknowledging that this is one of the first of many rocky roads we must crossover.

I didn’t expect it, to be honest. I thought we had more time.

It feels like only yesterday when she grabbed my finger in her first hour in the NICU. In reality, it was almost nine years ago.

Me and Shea in January 2017

Shea has shared some of her growing pains this year with us, as she is stuck in the middle of being a child who plays with dolls and an adolescent finding her identity and belonging. Her sharing has come in the form of stronger emotions and new ways of expressing them. Suzie, my wife, prepares me saying with a chuckle, “Get ready, this is just the beginning.”

This morning, as I drove away earlier without my usual kiss, I realized that I am not ready at all.

I found myself recalling the experienced words of an older father that I met a few years ago. He said, “They will one day avoid the hugs, but they always come back.” I find some peace in this wisdom although I mourn what once was that is quickly becoming no more.

This isn't a straight line, and we will find our next dance steps as we both continue to grow and learn. It is my responsibility to secure that the beat of our love keeps us on the dance floor and not moving to the sidelines.

In processing this interaction, I started to worry that this would become a burden for her, that she doesn’t spend the day wondering if I knew of her love. If God forbid something happened to me this day, would she live with this daunting regret?

So I write this for her (hoping she doesn’t need to read this), and for all of us who never gave that last kiss goodbye out of our own awkwardness, growing pains, distance, or seeking whatever we required in the moment.

As I know of Shea’s love for me, they, whomever “they” is in your story, knows of your love for them. They know.

They know of your love and they accept the moment because they, too, have been there before. We all, at some point in our lives, were embarrassed by what was once a comfort, and we acted out of character as we were in the process of creating a new path forward.

So, yes, this has been a tougher morning. My words of reflection doesn’t really make it any easier, but I trust that even as this next chapter brings different challenges, our love remains and only continues to grow and transform us, inviting us into a deeper relationship.

But do forgive me if I am a little less peppy today as I am operating with one less morning kiss.